A resentment write-up for not having personal relaxation session for long period.

As baby turns eight-month-old, it also means that I had sacrificed every single days during that period paying most attention to baby and seldom to myself. 

In a month, I work 22 days while the rest are my off days. Although it looks like I only take a whole eight days with baby, but bear in mind that every nights of those months I have to lull her sleep. 

Aside from that, I have the duty to cook dinner for the three of us including husband and babysitter.  Additional cleaning up the toilet in master bedroom which easily get dirty as husband is also using it. 

Even if I took a day off in two months to visit salon and spa, yet I still feel unsure or guilty for leaving baby with babysitter as I hardly trust others will take good care of the former as I do.

After all babysitter, although is my younger cousin, she might feel tired and thus being negligent in caring the baby.  

Mom, on other hand, is sort of assuming very important duty at church that she has to be there for all occasions and activities. Thus, asking her help to babysit her grandchild is a bit difficult. Plus, after brainwashed by husband, I come to realise that mom does not bring up us well enough.

My youngest brother who is 8-year-old now is overdosed with sweetened milky tea drinks and fastfood.  Mom usually adds extra flavors- sugar, coconut milk, salt and ajinomoto- in her cooking to ensure her children (including me) crave for it. Drinking plain water and promote eating green vegetables and fresh fruits are always out of the list. I presumed because it is a difficult task to be done that's why it happens. 

Last week, due to babysitter's emergency leave, had to ask mom's help to look after baby. Surprisingly, mom suggesting to add salt into baby's porridge. Arghh...baby is still way too long to taste those flavor...and will not good for her health,too. Just that incident, I am pretty sure that unless there's no other alternative, I should avoid from letting baby alone with her grandmother. 

Husband? As for now, he could only endure to be with the baby for less than 30 minutes. After that, he would pass her to either me or the babysitter. The duration is shortened when the baby is uncontrollable for moving too much. 

In a nutshell, I basically don't have strong support in taking care this one child. It really stressed me out to think that "what if I am not available?".

Earlier before I write this, the underlying feeling was accidentally evoked by colleagues who asked whether I want to join rock climbing with them after work. I turned  them down. One of them said, "Oh ya, you have to take care of your baby,".

It was the second time rejecting such invitation within a week.  I won't be surprised if they will no longer call me for the after work activities in future. 

Other stressor that contribute to my sudden rage in life is I can't travel to anywhere as husband has to focus for his upcoming exam. I have to literally suffer together with him. Well, by travelling I actually could be exempted from doing house chores, cooking for few days. Husband, at the same time, is also obliged to care for baby. 

Previously, while I haven't realise on the devoting all of my time is actually taking a toll in my life, I had actually concealed it by fulfilling the shopping impulse via online or by a lot of DVDs to be watched at home. 

For now, despite of doing the routine to browse the normal online sites to incite the excitement, it still didn't work for overthinking my life is actually suck without freedom. 

I lashed my negative emotion out to husband via whatsapp. Luckily he was in study leave for his Masters exam and able to entertain my nonsense. Among the sentences that cool me down include, "In life, there are things that we can't avoid to sacrifice..it's just part and parcel,". 

He called and that immediately alleviate my anger. It just happened that way. That's why I am destined to marry him...he has the capability to calm the storm in me. 

On other note, I am wondering on few Facebook friends who keep on convincing, or more precisely FAKING, that she is having superb mother-child time on 24/7. It is definitely a lie to claim that a mother will not resent a second of her life that she wants an inch of freedom. 

P/s: Abandon office work for an hour to blog about this negative vibe. :) Feeling much better- The power of blogging.